i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
