I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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