the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
