The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
