At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
