I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
