Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
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Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
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I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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