i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
