I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
