he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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