my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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