A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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