You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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