An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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