Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
