i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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