Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
