ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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