i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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