why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
