Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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