Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
