Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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