He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
