and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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