I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
