Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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