found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
