WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
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She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
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My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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