if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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