i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
