He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
