So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Sext me about skeletons
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
