When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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