Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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