i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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