shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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