I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
