in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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