So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
