the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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