my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
