quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
