And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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