btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i came on her dog
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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