I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
