There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
