I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
