Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
