dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
