I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
