So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
