I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
